The War Room

 
^ Back to top
 

Ashius Jaegar

Author
#1 Posted: 2017.04.11 02:31  |  Edited by: Silver Strike44
Neck: I just totally fu cking wrecked some kids in ranked. We 4-0'd them and I sh it on them every round.
Pack: How'd you do that, my ni gga?
Neck: What do you mean? I'm just a fu cking GOD.
DK: So you didn't use Ash and Jager?
Neck: Yeah, I used them. So what?
DK: So you're going to brag about doing well when you used OP characters?
Neck: They aren't OP, you fat, ugly ni gger.
DK: Yes they are. How else would you go 3 and 2?
Neck: You would have to be re tarded to think they are OP, fa glord. And it was 4 and 3.
DK: Even Kai could do good with Ash and Jager and he's more re tarded than you are, uglier than you are, has longer hair than you do, and has a smaller di ck than you do.
Neck: Are you fu cking kidding me?
DK: Yeah, he's actually color-blind, too. And he probably has a way bigger di ck than you do.
Neck: I don't need Ash and Jager to do good, fa gwad.
DK: Then why don't you let anyone else use them?
Neck: Because I'm the best Ash-Jager in the squad. So eat my a ss you fu cking re tarded baby-di ck bi tch- ni gger.
DK: Kill yourself, you down-sy ndrome autist.

Later that night Neck is on his way to a party.

Shep: Beware the Ides of dogsh it.
Neck: What the fu ck does that mean?
Shep: Fu cking figure it out. I'm not just going to carry you to the answer. Now get out of my rickshaw; this is your stop.
Neck: What the fu ck ever.

Silver: Neck, will you accept the crown of the best Ash-Jager crutch user?
Neck: Fu ck no. I don't need those characters to do good. Plus they aren't even OP.

The crowd cheers.

Silver: Again I offer you this crown. Will you accept it?
Neck: I said fu ck off with that sh it. Those characters aren't a crutch and I don't need them anyways.

The crowd cheers louder.

Silver: I must ask you one last time, will you take the crown?
Neck: I told you to fu ck the fu ck off you fu cking baby- di ck re tard-ni gger fu ck-f ag.

Neck has an aneurysm. The crowd goes wild thinking he has fainted from his humbleness. Cut to later that night.

DK: Neck is out of control. He says Ash and Jager aren't OP.
Alias: So?
DK: He also says he's the best Ash-Jager in the squad, but he never even lets anyone else play them.
Alias: What do you want me to do about it?
DK: I want you to help me kill him.
Alias: That sounds like a lot of work. What do I get out of it?
DK: You get to play Ash and Jager sometimes.
Alias: Those characters are a little too relevant for me. I'm more of a silenced, angled grip, ACOG IQ and irrele-roam Caveira kind of guy, so what else do I get?
DK: I'll buy you some McDonald's.
Alias: I'll think about it.

Cut to about a month later on the senate floor. Alias shoves double quarter-pounders down his throat faster than humanly possible.

Neck: Alright, fu ck-ni ggers, what'd you want to talk to me about?
DK: It's about you always taking Ash and Jager.
Neck: What about it? I'm the best Ash-Jager in the squad so of course I'm going to take them.
DK: We think we should all get chances to play them and we'll see who the best Ash-Jager is.
Neck: Fu ck that, you're all awful.
DK: Alright, I gave you one last chance.

All of the conspirators, including DK, Alias, Pack, and the 3 black kids Neck pulled a knife on in High School, draw their dinner forks and rusty fish hooks and each take their turn stabbing Neck. Finally, Alias approaches Neck with a particularly sharp french fry.

Neck: Et tu, Brute? (Translation: Fu ck you, you fat, ugly, baby-di ck, co ck-suck, qu eer-fu ck, sweaty, re tard-ni gger fat-fu ck.)

Cut to the next day at the funeral.

Silver: I understand why this was done. All I ask is that I receive the Playstation Plus Neck owed me from the people that killed him and we shall remain at peace.
DK: I spent all my money on McDonald's to convince Alias to help kill Neck.
Alias: I spent all my money on McDonald's to convince myself to get out of bed this morning.
Pack: And I'm a broke-a ss ni gga.
Silver: Then it will be war.

The conspirators flee. Each side amasses their army. After much fighting, Silver's army manages to gain the upper hand using brutal, Geneva Convention-defying tactics that would make even Gustavo sick. DK and Alias' army crumbles.

Alias: Well, now what?
DK: I guess we should just kill ourselves.
Alias: Really?
DK: Yeah, I'm not going to let Silver pad his k/d any more by killing us.
Alias: How are you going to do it?
DK: I think I'm going to go out in the most honorable way.
Alias: What, running onto your own sword?
DK: No, a bear trap or maybe a Kapkan trap. Do we have any of those?
Alias: No.
DK: How about a fire crossbow?
Alias: No.
DK: Shock drone?
Alias: No.
DK: OK, I'm just going to jump off this cliff and down myself. Don't stop my bleed-out.
Alias: OK.

DK jumps off the cliff, crushing most of his bones and sending him into agonizing pain.

DK: Alias, please fu cking kill me! I can't take this!
Alias: But you said not to stop your bleed-out.
DK: Yeah, don't revive me. Just shoot me in the fu cking head!
Alias: That would stop your bleed-out. Can't do it.
DK: For the love of God!
Alias: Best I can do is shoot you in the knee-cap.
DK: Pleas-

DK bleeds out.

Alias: That wasn't so bad now was it?
Pack: What should we do now, my ni gga?
Alias: I guess I'll kill myself too since I'm out of McDonald's.
Pack: You want me to hold your sword so you can go out like a honorable ni gga like you said?
Alias: No, just pull the pin on a grenade and I'll stand next to you.
Pack: OK, my ni gga. I'll never forget yo-

The grenade goes off, killing Alias and Pack. Silver arrives.

Silver: Well, I can only assume that this enormous pile of blood and mac sauce is Alias. He truly was the most noble of us all.
#2 Posted: 2017.04.11 03:57
Uuuu, those insults make me hard. Buuut, they lack a certain vahzz fluer

The Community; One big family, sometimes dysfunctional.

Forum Jump